random thought on a sunday.

life is about making choices. your happiness is in your very hands. it's as simple and as difficult as that. because while life offers us a choice to be happy, it also offers us a million different reasons not to. we build our walls. we shield our hearts. we go through life protected and guarded. but sometimes it only takes a phone call, a random text, a memory, a photograph, an old song, or even a smile to take down these walls--- if you let it. so make your choice.

6.27.12

today is the end
when the wick is burned
when the tears have dried on their own
when words unspoken have vanished into thin air
when words spoken in haste are long forgotten
when hope is not enough
when love is limitless
i'm keeping my promise
today is the end
and today is the beginning...

-R.

...

just recently, i came to terms with the inevitable. the one thing i’m scared of, the one thing that will challenge my choices and the one thing that is bound to happen no matter what i do. there’s really nothing i can do but get myself together and face it with the bravest face i can pull off. sometimes you don’t realize the impact of your choices until you’re finally faced with the consequences. if you’re lucky, you will be vindicated. that’s the funny thing about life (and its wicked twists) – it’s easy to accept it when it goes your way. but when it doesn’t, you blame it on injustice and lack of better judgment.

nothing can prepare us for the inevitable or for our fears. a friend once told me that “not even the fact that you are expecting it will make it less painful when it finally happens.” i cringe at the mere thought of it. it feels like i’m in the middle of a crazy roller coaster ride and there’s nothing i can do but wait for it to finish. it’s bound to stop at some point, but until it doesn’t, i just have to hold on tight, scream and wait.

so i will scream. i will hold on tight up to the last bit of hope and strength i have. and i will wait.

mom.

yesterday i woke up with a mild fever and i suddenly missed my mom. she would make porridge or hot soup and i'd feel better. she always makes me feel better, assured, protected and safe. i have nothing to worry about because she always makes everything okay.

i've been away from my mom for more than 3 years now. i love my so-called independence and the satisfying feeling of taking charge of my own life. but there were times when i wished my mom was here to pat me on the back and give me that reassuring hug that everything would be okay.

my mom and i didn't always see eye to eye. we've had our share of disagreements and disappointments. but that's water under the bridge now. i believe those "little" fights we've had in the past strengthened our bond even more.

when i was still young, the first word that came out of my mouth when i fell on my knees while running or when i accidentally stapled my finger or when boys bullied me at school -- was "MOMMY...".  it was always "mommy". i couldn't remember a time when i did not need my mom.

when my grandma died 11 years ago, i witnessed how devastated my mom was. she was my grandma's favorite and closest child. this, i vividly remember -- at 50-something, my mom cried and uttered these words while we were on our way to the cemetery, "Ma, kinahanglan pa ta ka... (Ma, i still need you)".

there is no expiration to the love and care mothers give to their children. and it's something that we, their children, would always, always need and long for.

no matter what age we are, we will never get too old to NOT need our moms. :)

wickedly Wicked.

for the past five days i've been literally hooked to the songs of Wicked. i've seen the broadway musical last summer and i just fell in love with it! there's no better feeling in the world than being in love and giddy and inspired - and Wicked did just that to me. ♥

one (over) night in the office, my "emo" genes hit me again and there's no perfect song i could think of to match my ka-emohan but Defying Gravity. so i listened to it on my phone and belted my best falsetto. can you imagine me hitting these high notes - "kiss me goodbyeeeee i'm defyyyyyiiiing gravity..."??  probably NOT. i figured i must have sounded ridiculous cos i saw my co-worker cracking up. :)

seriously, though, i just realized that i've been following (always) by the rules. i was never that black sheep every family had. i've always been that goody-goody girl who was afraid to break the rules, who was afraid to disappoint her parents. well, i must say i've had my share of a few minor black sheep moments but they were different and done with good reason. but i was never that rebellious kid who cut classes or smoked pot in the backyard or pierced her tongue or hung out with shady kids. i was never like that, although i confess i cut classes once to watch the Chicago Bulls in the playoffs (haha). don't get me wrong- it's not that i wish i were that rebellious kid. but you know things are not going so well in my life right now that these stupid thoughts just hit me- like i did everything the right way but how come my life still kinda sucks now? i know, i know this is beyond stupid. the second i thought about it i knew it was absurd. but i know some people who, in their younger years, made "mistakes" which turned into beautiful mistakes and they're really happy now and having the time of their lives. so, just saying...

next track is I'm not that Girl -"don't wish. don't start. wishing only wounds the heart. i wasn't born for the rose and pearl. there's a girl i know, he loves her so. i'm not that girl." - oh the classic story of unrequited love. :( at some point in our lives, we've all been through this. we've all felt that painful feeling of longing for someone whose heart belongs to someone else. ahhhh i can still remember how i was crushing this guy in high school (who was crushing on one of the popular girls). it was my first heartbreak. i spent hours and hours writing about him in my journal. we all get crazy like that in high school. we thought we were in love, but we weren't really. it was just good ol' puppy love. but it's fun reminiscing those giddy, awkward years.


final track is For Good - i love this song to bits! ♥ it's the only song i listen to all day and night - in the subway, in the office, even in the bathroom; and it's my lullaby every single night for the past five days. i never get tired of it. and it makes me teary-eyed every time. i think this is the perfect message to all the important people who came into and out of our lives. i really believe in these lines:

"i've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason 
bringing something we must learn. 
and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them 
and we help them in return. 
well, i don't know if i believe that's true. 
but i know i'm who i am today because i knew you.
it well may be that we will  never meet again in this lifetime.
so let me say before we part so much of me is made from what i learned from you
you'll be with me like a handprint on my heart.
and now whatever way our stories end
i know you have re-written mine by being my friend..."

this song is a constant reminder to me that people are brought into my life for a purpose. i may not figure out exactly what that purpose is but i believe they are all God-sent to either teach me a lesson or help me appreciate my blessings or even just to make me smile after a long, crappy day.

and while it's true that people come and go in our lives, no matter how difficult it is to let them go, i know now that i shouldn't think of it in a negative way. instead, i should cherish each moment i have with the people i care for. make each moment count. and hopefully, somehow, i can make a difference in their lives. i really do hope so.  :)

happiness is...

a handwritten note
an afternoon at the beach
playing with and talking to my nephews, Yuri and Yell
a cup of taho
reading a quirky Sophie Kinsella book
a snow globe
a package slip in the mailbox
the scent and feel of a book (be it old or new)
a good night text
a bouquet of pink roses
feeling the wind touch my face
a bicycle ride with my brother
driving along the peninsula of St. Kitts
my dad's adobo
my mom's macaroons
witnessing a beautiful sunset at the beach
a baby's laugh
the fresh scent of new sheets
opening Christmas presents
a weekend at my grandparents' house
Yell's first encounter with a real cow
singing my heart out in karaoke
a good conversation over coffee
a slice of creamy cassava cake
listening to my mom's stories of her trips
people-watching at airports
reading my old journals
a reunion with old friends
watching fireworks!
having my picture taken with Mickey Mouse
a Shake Shack burger and strawberry shake
autumn in Central Park
putting up and decorating a Christmas tree
traveling and discovering a new place
anything with polka dots! (haha)
staying in bed on lazy Sundays
spending my birthday at the beach (like we've always done when i was still young)

random thought on a tuesday.

random thought: why do we always reminisce our childhood?

i was walking on my way home tonight and random childhood memories came flashing in my mind - jumping and dancing in the rain in my pink umbrella, weekends at the beach, my brother teaching me how to ride a bike... - oh the best times of my life! :)

my earliest childhood memory was patiently waiting in the front yard with my brother for my mom to come home from her weekend trip in the city. i remember my perennial pasalubong requests were a big pack of Chippy and jelly ace --- so simple yet they meant the WORLD to me.

my first encounter with guilt was breaking my mom's glass pitcher. i remember i was so frightened i didn't know how and what to tell her. my brother helped me put away the pieces of broken glass. we managed to "clean" the mess. but i was still guilty. i ended up telling her anyway. and she wasn't even mad. :)

the idea of marriage first came to me when i was five years old. i remember one rainy night when my dad was answering the call of nature in the loo, i knocked hard on the door and screamed that i wanted to get married!! i figured i must have gotten that from listening to too much radio programs with our house-help. i wish i had a camera to capture the look on his face! that moment earned me the spot as his most "protected" child. haha.

when my brother finished grade school, he had to move to the city and lived with my aunt. finally, i was an ONLY child!! *grin* finally, i had my parents wrapped around my little finger! NAH, not really. my mom was a bit of a tightwad - i remember i once caused a scene at the mall because she wouldn't buy me that pretty barbie doll. my dad was the spoiler, though. but there was always a price to every wish he granted - either pulling his gray hair, giving him a back walk massage (yes! literally walking on his back barefoot!), or tagging along with him to his office so he can introduce me to his co-workers -- all of these i despised so much as a child that i hardly asked any favors from my dad. :(

summers were heaven to me. no school, just pure fun! i was usually left at home with our house-help and i got to watch all of my favorite TV shows. and i've always looked forward to my big brother's homecoming. but my brother was always the sociable one and there were a few summers when he didn't come home and went out camping and enrolled in summer school. but the best summers were those when he was home. i looked up to my brother, even up to now. whatever he said, i follow -- and i still kinda do up to now. he would plan activities for the day - like cooking (just him of course), i remember he would always spice something up like putting whatnots in an ordinary omelet or putting anchovies in pancakes and champorado. haha. he would create a story or a movie and my dolls were the characters in it - he even named all of my dolls (see photo below for the proof! he tagged my dolls on facebook. haha.)!

he would tell me bedtime stories, not the fairy tale kinds, but made-up funny stories and i would laugh myself to sleep. my brother was (and is) the sweetest! :) he tried his best to teach me how to ride a bike but he failed. i remember all the other kids in the neighborhood learned how to ride using our bike but ironically, i didn't. i guess i was just really scared that i wouldn't let my brother let go and let me ride on my own. i was contented being his passenger. :)

but my brother and i didn't always get along, like any other siblings. one time, he made me cry and recorded the entire crying episode. yes, half an hour recording of me crying and whining. haha. i think we still have the tape back home. we listened to it a few years ago and couldn't stop laughing. seriously i was so maarte i wanted to slap myself. i was such a crybaby! haha.

another instance i will never forget was when my brother punched me in the stomach. we were watching TV one night and were fighting over which show to watch. i couldn't remember what i did that made my brother punch me. the blow was so hard that i couldn't speak for a while, literally no sound came out of my mouth - my brother panicked and called my mom. my mom was furious! but this i can still vividly remember - my brother said this while crying, "kung mamatay siya, magpakamatay na lang sad ko... (if she dies, i might as well die too)". this happened when he was still in grade school and i was in kindergarten. awww.... :)

this was my typical my-brother-pissed-me-off look captured on camera! classic! :)

there are still a lot of good memories i'd like to share but i'm never going to finish this post. to sum it all up, i think most of us will agree that our childhood years are indeed the golden years of our lives.

why do we always reminisce our childhood??

i think because it's one of those few times when we were genuinely happy. when heaven was just a pack of Chippy. when guilt was just breaking a glass pitcher. when happiness didn't cost a thing.

my grown-up new year's list.

i've never been a believer of New Year's resolutions. i've always thought that they're pointless since people are bound to break them anyway at some point. but this year i'm creating my very first list just because 2012 is a "new" New Year for me. it's about time to make new traditions. so good luck to me!

*drum roll please*....


1. smile more and always greet our doormen (including the weird one).
it's no joke answering phones, opening doors, accepting and sorting out packages by apartment. they deserve a little more respect and a little more smile.

2. whine less.
the recent tragedy that typhoon Sendong brought to Pinas put into perspective all the superficial things i've been worrying and complaining about. the world has much bigger problems. the world needs prayers, not whines.

3. stop procrastinating. 
i function best with deadlines. i aced passed exams by cramming. i have this badass attitude of "i don't have to work today cos i can finish it tomorrow anyway". i'm that bad. this year, i hope i can put an end to this and be as efficient and busy as a bee.

4. save for travel.
i want to go to at least one place i've never been to this year. every time i see a gorgeous dress online, i will think a hundred times. i will think of all the clothes i've only worn once or twice in my closet. i will think of how the money for that dress can contribute to my travel fund. i will save for Greece or Paris this year!

5. learn to cook.
in my circle, i'm famous for my kitchen fiascos -- from pancakes from hell to extremely well done SPAM. a friend told me that it's not cool for a woman to NOT know how to cook. so i want to learn at least one authentic Filipino dish this year -- be it mechado, caldereta, sinigang or perhaps just perfect my already divine adobo. :)

6. read again.
i realized i've been too caught up with the world wide web that a significant amount of my time is wasted on nonsense stuff. i need something to enrich my mind, not my eyes. i still have a few books on my wait list -- read as, in my bookshelf waiting for me. i really hope that this year i can revive my penchant for reading.

7. don't waste time.
time is gold. cliche as it may sound, but i learned this the hard, hard way. i want to say the things i want to say the moment i want to say them. i won't wait for the moment to pass me by. not anymore. i will dance like there's no tomorrow and sing my heart out like there's nobody listening.

8. take that risk.
i tend to shy away from things outside my comfort zone. this year marks a new beginning, a new me. i want to try at least one great adventure, one great risk. be it bungee jumping, that scary roller coaster ride at Six Flags, or sky diving in Vegas (eeep!), or just get myself out there - date a guy totally wrong for me, get crazy at a bar, just get crazy for once! it's time to seize the day!

9. talk less.
i'm guilty of washing dirty, i wouldn't say linen, hankies perhaps (?) in public. or let's just say, i reveal too much emotion in facebook and twitter (how tacky! haha). my metaphors and riddles have become so predictable that people i hardly know, know exactly what's happening in my life. i have become a Kris Aquino. and i'm not proud of it.

10. have a little faith.
the recent events in my life have made me a non-believer of a lot of things. i want to bring back that faith. i want to bring back my idea of a happy ending. i want to bring back the old me.

*fin*

waiting.

we are all waiting for some miracle that will change our lives in one way or another. we are waiting for the brainwashed idea of "happily ever after". we are dreaming of our prince charming who will sweep us off our feet and take us to his castle. we are all waiting for something...

i thought i had it. i thought i was living my "happily ever after". i thought i met my prince charming who didn't just sweep me off my feet, but put me in a pedestal. but somehow in a bizarre twist of fate, i found out that my "happily ever after" was really just a fantasy and that i would never be good enough for my prince charming.

we are all waiting for something....

as for me, i am waiting for the rest of my life to happen...

happy anniversary.

a year in the big apple.  :)

WHEW. I MADE IT!

one year in New York was definitely not a walk in the park. it's one tough hell of a year! aside from the completely new environment and culture i had to adjust and get used to, i had to go through my own personal battles at the same time.

i must say that 2011 is definitely my make and break year.

MAKE. because i'm living my dream. i'm in the most exciting city in the whole world. i feel like i'm Alice in metropolitan wonderland! i've been to places i've only seen in movies or read in books when i was still that dreamy twenty-something girl. YES, New York was my dream. i remember i used to imagine myself walking on the streets of Manhattan in a cute summer dress, kick-ass heels and oversized sunnies, with a Starbucks coffee on one hand and a posh bag on the other. i never thought i'd make it here. not until one hot, humid day in August 2010 when i got a message from my friend saying he wanted to refer me to his company. and the rest was history.

BREAK. because of a lot more reasons. without going into so much detail, let's just say that this is the year that changed the course of my life - in a very BIG way. i lost a few special people. i came to terms with my deepest fears. i made the most, if not difficult, life-altering decisions.... and most of all, i broke a couple of hearts -- including my own.

my life was turned into a totally different ball game. totally different rules. totally different players. i became a stranger in my own life. it's a continuous paradigm shift that i'm still figuring out. i feel like i'm in a maze and i just don't know WHERE to go to. everything i believed in and everything i thought i HAD just went down the drain. JUST. LIKE. THAT. suddenly, i'm back to square one - clueless and scared.

yes, friends comforted me, said words i wanted to hear, walked with me and held my hand as i went on my journey (and i am forever grateful!). but when i turned off the lights and lay on my bed, every single suppressed emotion haunted me and stabbed me to the core.

but i've come to realize that life is designed that way. you can never have everything at your whim. and you're always given a choice. and i chose to be happy. a friend once told me that "you can never go wrong if you choose to be happy because choosing to be happy is always, always the right decision."

MOVING ON. one of my girlfriends jokingly remarked that she couldn't wait for my sidebar title to change from "the queen has moved in" to "the queen has moved ON".  haha. well, i'm getting there... it was too much to take in in a year but i'm proud i made it somehow. i guess it's really true that you'll never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.

thank you New York for bringing the best and the strongest in me. as the famous Jay-Z song goes,  "since i made it here i can make it anywhere..." and i couldn't agree more!! :)

message on a McDonalds box.

OK. so it's 2:30 a.m. and i caaan't sleep! i'm guessing it's either because i just took a stressful, mind-blowing 4-hour exam and i'm worried; OR because i had a cup of cappuccino before that. you see, i have a love-hate relationship with coffee. sometimes it lifts me up, sometimes it lets me down. and tonight/this morning, it lifted me up. and i'm ridiculously, insanely AWAKE at this ungodly hour! so i was like, why not blog and maybe i'll fall asleep in the middle of it? i haven't "blogged" in a looong time. :)

i was browsing through some old photos in my phone while lying in my bed (and waiting for my "sleep cells" to kick in) and i came across this photo i took when i came home last month.  this was a note from my dad which he wrote on the back of a McDonalds box (which my mom ordered for delivery the day i arrived - i love their pancakes!). he left this note hanging on the door knob of my room while i was still sleeping. i guess he just didn't want to wake me up. i found it cute so i took a photo of it. he said he was going to his other house (or what we call, his rest bahay-kubo) and he wanted me to tell someone to visit him there.

if my memory serves me right, this was the second note/letter i received from my dad. the first one was the birthday letter he sent me when i turned 13. he was in the province that time and couldn't make it to my birthday. i can't recall if he sent me a gift but i vividly remember the letter - of course! because it was written on my favorite stationery!! haha. my dad had a habit of stealing stuff from me - from my toys to my stationery collection! this time it was my most-prized purple, floral, scented linen stationery. i can no longer remember what was written in the letter but i know that i kept it somewhere in my drawer back home. and i can't also remember what i felt when i read it or if i was even excited to open it --- either i was too preoccupied with my birthday party or i was daydreaming of my presents. :)

now i realized it was my last birthday before my dad had a stroke - six months after the day i became a bona fide teenager. :) i remember my ninangs from the province went to the city and told my mom that something was wrong with my dad. they said he seemed disconnected and incomprehensible - subtle way of saying he has gone crazy. we were so worried, we rushed to the province and brought my dad to the hospital in the city - the doctors said my dad suffered a nearly fatal stroke and that he had blood clots in his brain. no one knew how it happened. even my dad "couldn't" remember. we spent Christmas and New Year that year in the hospital. it was a very difficult time for us and our family has never been the same after that. it was THE stroke that changed my dad. THE stroke that changed our lives. THE stroke that changed everything.

the note he left  hanging on my door knob, i realized later, was not really for me to tell someone to visit him. it was for ME. he wanted me to see his rest bahay-kubo. but i never went there. i never went to see his rest bahay-kubo. i never really went there to "see" my dad.

in my mind and heart, i want to know my dad again. i want him to be present in my life again. but somehow i find it so hard to do. and i failed every time i tried.

i LOVE my dad. there's no question to that. i just feel that i haven't really let him in my life the way he's supposed to be. and i know we can never go back in time and recreate relationships but i've always believed that there's hope in everything. and i can continue hoping... and trying even harder.

DADDY, don't ever think that i love you any less. in time, i know we will be okay.... *hugs*

Rachel Ray, we have a problem.

i am not a kitchen person. but i had no choice but to learn to feed myself since i became independent 2 years ago. yes, i admit there had been a few freak "accidents" in the past but i honestly thought i'm way ahead of my rookie days and i'm now advancing in my quest to become THE next Rachel Ray (or Barefoot Contessa in the far, far future). but as they say, "maraming namamatay sa maling akala", or in this case, "maraming nasusunog sa maling pag-prito".

the first few "accidents" were cute. here's a few:

ADOBO is the first dish i've learned and is my perennial favorite because it's so easy to cook. can you imagine me messing up an all-Filipino adobo? hard to believe, right? just wait and see...

one time i put sugar in my adobo because i didn't have Sprite to counter the asim of vinegar. my adobo tasted like minatamis na saging. my roomie had to drain the sauce and made timpla all over again. even the 10 rounds of pakulo didn't do the trick - i could still taste the sugar.

but WAIT, there's more! :)

my first adobo was the most "memorable". my dear friend, Ich, gave me the recipe and i remember she was so ecstatic to teach me and was even very "detailed" in her instructions. her recipe was this, walang bawas, walang kulang:

"as for adobo...meat with garlic and a teeny amount of salt in sprite or if not available, water with sugar will do. boil until super little na lang ang sprite. add water, enough to cover the meat. boil. add 1 to 2 tbsp of vinegar, about 1 cup of soy sauce (tantsaha na lng oi). taste kung ok na sa imo panlasa. kung kulang sa parat, add salt na lng. boil until super tender. basta ang secret is maglaban ang lasa sa vinegar and sprite. add sugar nlng or vinegar whatever u think is kulang. ang katam-is ba or kaaslum. dapat magcomplement cla. tapos, wait ka na lng na little na lng ang water. sticky2x na ang sauce nya. yum2x."

so, being the masunurin girl that i am, i followed the instructions BLINDLY. actually, i was hesitant to put in a cup of soy sauce. but then i thought who am i to question the judgment of an expert, right? so i poured in a cup of soy sauce. what Ich didn’t know (or haven’t considered!) was that i'm only cooking for myself. i'm not feeding an entire baranggay. the recipe, i learned later on, was intended for a kilo of meat. and i was only cooking 3 pieces of chicken legs. THREE! so you can just imagine how a cup of soy sauce makes lunod the 3 pieces of chicken legs. and I bet you canNOT imagine the taste. i swear it's saltier than Times beach and Davao river combined. no matter how much sugar, water and Sprite i added, they could not counter the taste of the soy sauce. (sorry Ich i just had to blog this again. LOL).

so here's the infamous chicken adobo ala toyo:




PANCAKES are another story. i've made pancakes a lot of times - be it pancake-from-scratch or ready-to-cook. i couldn't find those pancake boxes in the grocery so i decided to make one from scratch like i've always done every summer when i was still young. but somehow, in a weird twist of fate, i ended up eating (and later on throwing) this:




that was 2 years ago. fast forward to present time.

if i can describe my food selections here in America in 2 words, it would be: greasy and pan-fried. sorry but i just don't have the time to cook, or make that, learn how to cook. my favorites are longganisa and ready-to-cook spring rolls (lumpia) - thank you Filipino store, you are simply the best! haha.

as i said, the first few kitchen fiascos were cute. but these are just SAD and PATHETIC.

LONGGANISA.



SPRING ROLLS.



the pictures say it all.

there are no scientific explanations on what happened here. i don't know, perhaps we'll just leave these as two of the world's unsolved mysteries. ;)


one thing i realized, i can never be a Rachel Ray and i still foresee myself as being kitchen-challenged in the next 20 years or so - that's why i NEED to marry a chef! haha.

My New York Top 5

I was reading Bianca’s blog the other day and was inspired by her Hong Kong Top 10. I thought of making my list too!

I’ve been in New York “physically” for 4 months and a half now, but as I am writing this, I feel like I “am not” really here. YET. From the moment I step foot in the land of Starbucks and pizza, I have been working for 60 hours a week. NO FAIL. I work in an audit firm, no surprise there. And I came in at around winter time. Even if I have free time on weekends, there’s really nowhere I’d rather be than in my bed, sipping hot cocoa and watching Pinoy t.v. shows online. Awww… how I miss Philippine television…. even the commercials. Haha.

Come spring time… Well, spring is supposed to start on March 22. But it looks like we have an extended winter here. It snowed on the first day of spring and last Saturday was still technically winter – 30 degrees F and wind is 25 mph! Can you imagine me in my ballet flats and cotton trench queuing up for more than an hour outside the DMV office (read as LTO in Pinas)? I can’t believe I survived such terrible ordeal. That was, by far, the worst winter experience I’ve ever had. But that story deserves another blog post. Haha.

So really and truly, I haven’t experienced “life” in this concrete-jungle-where-dreams-are-made-of place they call New York. But I do have a few favorites I’d like to share with you guys (as of today…).

1. Central Park – Who doesn’t love Central Park? For me, Central Park is like a heavenly spa in the middle of the toxicity that is New York City. Last Sunday, our firm sponsored a Run for Japan event at the park and I was so ecstatic. I think I was the first one to sign up. :) I invited the other Pinoys in the office to join as well. I’m not really a runner nor sporty for that matter, but the thought of helping Japan in my own little way plus the chance of exploring the park is just SO worth it. At first I was worried cos the course is a complete loop around the park which is like 6 miles or almost 10 kilometers (oh no! haha), but the organizer said it’s not gonna be a straight run or a race, like we could walk or run at our own pace. So I was relieved but still convinced that I’m gonna be the first one to quit. Haha.

To cut the story short, my friends and I were 30 minutes late (boo traffic), took a shortcut, had multiple stopovers for camwhoring, and ended up the first ones to finish the course. LOL. But I really enjoyed it that I’m thinking of making it a Sunday thing. I still have to convince my friends to join me, though – of course, I need someone to take my photos running/walking is no fun if you’re alone. Central Park is too gorgeous for loners! Everything is just so beautiful – the cherry blossoms, the lake, the greens!, the horse drawn carriages (Princess Sarah ang Munting Prinsesa lang ang peg), the castle and statues, the kids eating ice cream, the hot men on bicycles, still the hot men on bicycles, and oh, the hot men on bicycles. Haha. Seriously, I can imagine myself laying out a picnic blanket under a tree, reading a book while drinking milkshake or eating ice cream in the summer. Oh, I cannot wait for you real spring and summer!!

I have so many gorgeous photos of the park but I don't want this blog to look like a photo album, so here are some of my favorites:








2. Shopping Returns – The other thing I love about America, in general, is the convenience of returning items you bought. Last week, I gifted myself with retail therapy for being the hardworking girl that I’ve been for the past 4 months. And being the impulsive shopper that I am, I ended up buying unnecessary stuff. The minute I walked out of the shop, I realized that either I didn’t need this thing or I didn’t really look good in/with this thing. So the following weekend, I ended up returning everything I bought (my bank account is smiling!), including the make-up and sunnies which I already used for 4 days. No qualms, no hassle at all! Of course, I told them I already used the make-up but the saleslady just said “OK” in a very perky way. I love America!! Haha. (My friend told me that they would use those used make-ups as samplers.) Wouldn’t it be great if we have this kind of system in Pinas? Yes, you can still return items in Pinas but it will be such a hassle – the saleslady will consult the supervisor, the supervisor will consult the manager, the manager will eventually reject the return and you will go home with a frown on your face.

3. Weather Forecast – A co-worker once said, “I don’t like having www.weatherchannel.com as my fashion consultant every morning.” Haha. But this is very, very true! The first thing I do when I wake up is check the weatherchannel app on my phone. If you don’t dress and wear the appropriate shoes, then your day will totally suck. One time I wore ballet flats and skirt sans stockings and ended up soaked in the rain – because I ignored the 40% precipitation forecast. And like I mentioned earlier, I ended up literally freezing outside the DMV office for more than an hour because I ignored the 25mph wind forecast (and also because I didn’t know that we have to queue up outside the office in the friggin cold!). The weather forecast is just amazingly accurate. My note to self – Don’t take any chances, BELIEVE in the weatherchannel.

4. Subway – New York may not have the cleanest subway stations in the world but I still love it purely for accessibility. New York is the only state in America where people don’t actually need cars because public transportation systems are very accessible. All I need is a 30-day Metrocard, PATH card (for Jersey City) and a HopStop app on my phone and I’m good to go. I wish I could install a HopStop chip in my brain, though. :)


the cleanest subway station I've ever seen - PATH station at the World Trade Center (partly because it's the newest I guess after 9/11)

5. Free newspaper – The first person to greet me in the morning is the newspaper guy at the subway station – yelling “Metro! Metro!” or “A.M. New York! Free coupons at Macy’s!”. Haha. Yes, the tabloids here are free!! I asked my friend how these newspaper companies generate revenues, aside from ads, if they hand out the papers for free, and he said it’s purely from ads. He further said that they conduct some surveys which the advertisers use as their basis on which tabloid they’re going to place their ads on. Amazing isn’t it? Huge savings for morning paper readers - how much are these in Pinas nowadays?


I hope my list will become longer and longer as I discover more of NYC (and Jersey City) this year. I am excited for the warmer months and the fall foliage!! :)

what if...

Two days ago, i came across this t.v. show called "Who Do You Think You Are?" and I was instantly obsessed with it. The show is like a trip back in time featuring celebrities and their ancestral roots. The facts they discovered were really fascinating and interesting. Like who would have thought that Sarah Jessica Parker is a direct descendant of an accused witch during the Salem Witch Trials in the 1600's (well that explains the witchy nose) and Gwyneth Paltrow's great grandmother was a housemaid from Barbados (but of course she was Caucasian)?

Makes me wonder what happened to my grandpa on my dad's side. I never saw him. He left long before I was born. He left his family when my dad was just a little boy. He was pure Chinese who fled the country during World War II for reasons I don't know. He took my dad's elder brother with him to Macau and the family never heard from him since then. My grandma remarried and my dad had a gazillion stepbrothers and stepsisters. And based on stories I've heard, he hated his stepfather. He didn't even go to his funeral. My dad grew up with his relatives, jumping from one house to another - earning money for himself - which is far from what he was used to when his real father was still with them. His father was a wealthy man and they were living a comfortable life until he left. I don't even know his name. All I know is that his surname was Teng. My grandma changed the family name to Pantillo, her maiden name, so my dad and his siblings could get a scholarship from a local Catholic school (people in those days assumed that you're rich if you had a Chinese surname).

My dad would never talk about his real father - and we never asked. It was already difficult to talk to my dad about this kind of stuff before he had a stroke which affected his speech - what more now. And we kind of sensed that he didn't want to talk about this at all. Like my mom knew about this from my dad's relatives after they even got married. My dad is a man of few words... and of few emotions. It's hard to get through him. My mom would tell us hundreds of stories about her childhood over and over again but I never heard a single story from my dad.

I've always wondered what it's like to have a real dad. A dad who hugs, who tells you a story, and who tucks you in bed and plants a kiss on your forehead before you go to sleep. My brother and I were not raised in a mushy, Brady-bunch household. My dad had a peculiar way of showing his love. He would buy us stuff enough to spoil us and to make us think that we were lucky compared to the other kids in the neighborhood. He would keep pictures of us in his office. I went to his office one day and found some of my missing toys inside his drawer. I got mad at him for stealing my toys. But perhaps I just didn't understand why he did that. I wonder if he hugged them when he missed me. He would play a game with me when I was young, though - t.v. commercials guessing game. Haha, that was fun, but he would always cheat and I would just end up being mad at him. He would plan family outings at the beach or at the farm - but he would never play with us in the sand or teach us how to swim or climb trees (I haven't climbed a tree in my life, no kidding). While the rest of the family and friends were having fun at the beach, he would stay in the cottage with his crew drinking or gambling. I honestly think his fighting cocks got more hugs and caresses from him than me and my brother combined. Haha, no kidding.

I grew up not loving my dad as much as I loved my mom. My mom was all I ever needed. I never wanted to go with him to anywhere at all. My mom had to bribe and literally drag me to the jeep whenever my dad wanted me to go with him to his office. I saw in him a father but not someone I could run to when I'm sad and lonely. However, he was the first person I ran to when naughty boys bothered me because they surely ran for their lives, if not peed their pants, as soon as they heard my dad's Hitler-ish voice. Oh wait, I think that was still my mom! :) But my dad was really protective as well.

My brother told me that my dad was like that because he never knew what it was like to have a father. He had no role model. He was not raised in a perfect home. He couldn't give what he didn't have. Which makes perfect sense.

I pity my dad. But more so, I pity myself for not giving him a chance. If there's one regret I have in my life, it's not spending more time with him when he was still my strong and Hitler-ish dad... when he could still "understand" what I'm saying and vice versa. :(

I just wonder what if...

What if my grandpa was present in his life... and in ours, would things have been different?




P.S.
I didn't expect this post to be this dramatic. Seriously. I just wanted to share with you what happened to my lolo. But the minute I talked about my dad, it just went on and on. *tears*