message on a McDonalds box.

OK. so it's 2:30 a.m. and i caaan't sleep! i'm guessing it's either because i just took a stressful, mind-blowing 4-hour exam and i'm worried; OR because i had a cup of cappuccino before that. you see, i have a love-hate relationship with coffee. sometimes it lifts me up, sometimes it lets me down. and tonight/this morning, it lifted me up. and i'm ridiculously, insanely AWAKE at this ungodly hour! so i was like, why not blog and maybe i'll fall asleep in the middle of it? i haven't "blogged" in a looong time. :)

i was browsing through some old photos in my phone while lying in my bed (and waiting for my "sleep cells" to kick in) and i came across this photo i took when i came home last month.  this was a note from my dad which he wrote on the back of a McDonalds box (which my mom ordered for delivery the day i arrived - i love their pancakes!). he left this note hanging on the door knob of my room while i was still sleeping. i guess he just didn't want to wake me up. i found it cute so i took a photo of it. he said he was going to his other house (or what we call, his rest bahay-kubo) and he wanted me to tell someone to visit him there.

if my memory serves me right, this was the second note/letter i received from my dad. the first one was the birthday letter he sent me when i turned 13. he was in the province that time and couldn't make it to my birthday. i can't recall if he sent me a gift but i vividly remember the letter - of course! because it was written on my favorite stationery!! haha. my dad had a habit of stealing stuff from me - from my toys to my stationery collection! this time it was my most-prized purple, floral, scented linen stationery. i can no longer remember what was written in the letter but i know that i kept it somewhere in my drawer back home. and i can't also remember what i felt when i read it or if i was even excited to open it --- either i was too preoccupied with my birthday party or i was daydreaming of my presents. :)

now i realized it was my last birthday before my dad had a stroke - six months after the day i became a bona fide teenager. :) i remember my ninangs from the province went to the city and told my mom that something was wrong with my dad. they said he seemed disconnected and incomprehensible - subtle way of saying he has gone crazy. we were so worried, we rushed to the province and brought my dad to the hospital in the city - the doctors said my dad suffered a nearly fatal stroke and that he had blood clots in his brain. no one knew how it happened. even my dad "couldn't" remember. we spent Christmas and New Year that year in the hospital. it was a very difficult time for us and our family has never been the same after that. it was THE stroke that changed my dad. THE stroke that changed our lives. THE stroke that changed everything.

the note he left  hanging on my door knob, i realized later, was not really for me to tell someone to visit him. it was for ME. he wanted me to see his rest bahay-kubo. but i never went there. i never went to see his rest bahay-kubo. i never really went there to "see" my dad.

in my mind and heart, i want to know my dad again. i want him to be present in my life again. but somehow i find it so hard to do. and i failed every time i tried.

i LOVE my dad. there's no question to that. i just feel that i haven't really let him in my life the way he's supposed to be. and i know we can never go back in time and recreate relationships but i've always believed that there's hope in everything. and i can continue hoping... and trying even harder.

DADDY, don't ever think that i love you any less. in time, i know we will be okay.... *hugs*