my grown-up new year's list.

i've never been a believer of New Year's resolutions. i've always thought that they're pointless since people are bound to break them anyway at some point. but this year i'm creating my very first list just because 2012 is a "new" New Year for me. it's about time to make new traditions. so good luck to me!

*drum roll please*....


1. smile more and always greet our doormen (including the weird one).
it's no joke answering phones, opening doors, accepting and sorting out packages by apartment. they deserve a little more respect and a little more smile.

2. whine less.
the recent tragedy that typhoon Sendong brought to Pinas put into perspective all the superficial things i've been worrying and complaining about. the world has much bigger problems. the world needs prayers, not whines.

3. stop procrastinating. 
i function best with deadlines. i aced passed exams by cramming. i have this badass attitude of "i don't have to work today cos i can finish it tomorrow anyway". i'm that bad. this year, i hope i can put an end to this and be as efficient and busy as a bee.

4. save for travel.
i want to go to at least one place i've never been to this year. every time i see a gorgeous dress online, i will think a hundred times. i will think of all the clothes i've only worn once or twice in my closet. i will think of how the money for that dress can contribute to my travel fund. i will save for Greece or Paris this year!

5. learn to cook.
in my circle, i'm famous for my kitchen fiascos -- from pancakes from hell to extremely well done SPAM. a friend told me that it's not cool for a woman to NOT know how to cook. so i want to learn at least one authentic Filipino dish this year -- be it mechado, caldereta, sinigang or perhaps just perfect my already divine adobo. :)

6. read again.
i realized i've been too caught up with the world wide web that a significant amount of my time is wasted on nonsense stuff. i need something to enrich my mind, not my eyes. i still have a few books on my wait list -- read as, in my bookshelf waiting for me. i really hope that this year i can revive my penchant for reading.

7. don't waste time.
time is gold. cliche as it may sound, but i learned this the hard, hard way. i want to say the things i want to say the moment i want to say them. i won't wait for the moment to pass me by. not anymore. i will dance like there's no tomorrow and sing my heart out like there's nobody listening.

8. take that risk.
i tend to shy away from things outside my comfort zone. this year marks a new beginning, a new me. i want to try at least one great adventure, one great risk. be it bungee jumping, that scary roller coaster ride at Six Flags, or sky diving in Vegas (eeep!), or just get myself out there - date a guy totally wrong for me, get crazy at a bar, just get crazy for once! it's time to seize the day!

9. talk less.
i'm guilty of washing dirty, i wouldn't say linen, hankies perhaps (?) in public. or let's just say, i reveal too much emotion in facebook and twitter (how tacky! haha). my metaphors and riddles have become so predictable that people i hardly know, know exactly what's happening in my life. i have become a Kris Aquino. and i'm not proud of it.

10. have a little faith.
the recent events in my life have made me a non-believer of a lot of things. i want to bring back that faith. i want to bring back my idea of a happy ending. i want to bring back the old me.

*fin*

waiting.

we are all waiting for some miracle that will change our lives in one way or another. we are waiting for the brainwashed idea of "happily ever after". we are dreaming of our prince charming who will sweep us off our feet and take us to his castle. we are all waiting for something...

i thought i had it. i thought i was living my "happily ever after". i thought i met my prince charming who didn't just sweep me off my feet, but put me in a pedestal. but somehow in a bizarre twist of fate, i found out that my "happily ever after" was really just a fantasy and that i would never be good enough for my prince charming.

we are all waiting for something....

as for me, i am waiting for the rest of my life to happen...

happy anniversary.

a year in the big apple.  :)

WHEW. I MADE IT!

one year in New York was definitely not a walk in the park. it's one tough hell of a year! aside from the completely new environment and culture i had to adjust and get used to, i had to go through my own personal battles at the same time.

i must say that 2011 is definitely my make and break year.

MAKE. because i'm living my dream. i'm in the most exciting city in the whole world. i feel like i'm Alice in metropolitan wonderland! i've been to places i've only seen in movies or read in books when i was still that dreamy twenty-something girl. YES, New York was my dream. i remember i used to imagine myself walking on the streets of Manhattan in a cute summer dress, kick-ass heels and oversized sunnies, with a Starbucks coffee on one hand and a posh bag on the other. i never thought i'd make it here. not until one hot, humid day in August 2010 when i got a message from my friend saying he wanted to refer me to his company. and the rest was history.

BREAK. because of a lot more reasons. without going into so much detail, let's just say that this is the year that changed the course of my life - in a very BIG way. i lost a few special people. i came to terms with my deepest fears. i made the most, if not difficult, life-altering decisions.... and most of all, i broke a couple of hearts -- including my own.

my life was turned into a totally different ball game. totally different rules. totally different players. i became a stranger in my own life. it's a continuous paradigm shift that i'm still figuring out. i feel like i'm in a maze and i just don't know WHERE to go to. everything i believed in and everything i thought i HAD just went down the drain. JUST. LIKE. THAT. suddenly, i'm back to square one - clueless and scared.

yes, friends comforted me, said words i wanted to hear, walked with me and held my hand as i went on my journey (and i am forever grateful!). but when i turned off the lights and lay on my bed, every single suppressed emotion haunted me and stabbed me to the core.

but i've come to realize that life is designed that way. you can never have everything at your whim. and you're always given a choice. and i chose to be happy. a friend once told me that "you can never go wrong if you choose to be happy because choosing to be happy is always, always the right decision."

MOVING ON. one of my girlfriends jokingly remarked that she couldn't wait for my sidebar title to change from "the queen has moved in" to "the queen has moved ON".  haha. well, i'm getting there... it was too much to take in in a year but i'm proud i made it somehow. i guess it's really true that you'll never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.

thank you New York for bringing the best and the strongest in me. as the famous Jay-Z song goes,  "since i made it here i can make it anywhere..." and i couldn't agree more!! :)

message on a McDonalds box.

OK. so it's 2:30 a.m. and i caaan't sleep! i'm guessing it's either because i just took a stressful, mind-blowing 4-hour exam and i'm worried; OR because i had a cup of cappuccino before that. you see, i have a love-hate relationship with coffee. sometimes it lifts me up, sometimes it lets me down. and tonight/this morning, it lifted me up. and i'm ridiculously, insanely AWAKE at this ungodly hour! so i was like, why not blog and maybe i'll fall asleep in the middle of it? i haven't "blogged" in a looong time. :)

i was browsing through some old photos in my phone while lying in my bed (and waiting for my "sleep cells" to kick in) and i came across this photo i took when i came home last month.  this was a note from my dad which he wrote on the back of a McDonalds box (which my mom ordered for delivery the day i arrived - i love their pancakes!). he left this note hanging on the door knob of my room while i was still sleeping. i guess he just didn't want to wake me up. i found it cute so i took a photo of it. he said he was going to his other house (or what we call, his rest bahay-kubo) and he wanted me to tell someone to visit him there.

if my memory serves me right, this was the second note/letter i received from my dad. the first one was the birthday letter he sent me when i turned 13. he was in the province that time and couldn't make it to my birthday. i can't recall if he sent me a gift but i vividly remember the letter - of course! because it was written on my favorite stationery!! haha. my dad had a habit of stealing stuff from me - from my toys to my stationery collection! this time it was my most-prized purple, floral, scented linen stationery. i can no longer remember what was written in the letter but i know that i kept it somewhere in my drawer back home. and i can't also remember what i felt when i read it or if i was even excited to open it --- either i was too preoccupied with my birthday party or i was daydreaming of my presents. :)

now i realized it was my last birthday before my dad had a stroke - six months after the day i became a bona fide teenager. :) i remember my ninangs from the province went to the city and told my mom that something was wrong with my dad. they said he seemed disconnected and incomprehensible - subtle way of saying he has gone crazy. we were so worried, we rushed to the province and brought my dad to the hospital in the city - the doctors said my dad suffered a nearly fatal stroke and that he had blood clots in his brain. no one knew how it happened. even my dad "couldn't" remember. we spent Christmas and New Year that year in the hospital. it was a very difficult time for us and our family has never been the same after that. it was THE stroke that changed my dad. THE stroke that changed our lives. THE stroke that changed everything.

the note he left  hanging on my door knob, i realized later, was not really for me to tell someone to visit him. it was for ME. he wanted me to see his rest bahay-kubo. but i never went there. i never went to see his rest bahay-kubo. i never really went there to "see" my dad.

in my mind and heart, i want to know my dad again. i want him to be present in my life again. but somehow i find it so hard to do. and i failed every time i tried.

i LOVE my dad. there's no question to that. i just feel that i haven't really let him in my life the way he's supposed to be. and i know we can never go back in time and recreate relationships but i've always believed that there's hope in everything. and i can continue hoping... and trying even harder.

DADDY, don't ever think that i love you any less. in time, i know we will be okay.... *hugs*

Rachel Ray, we have a problem.

i am not a kitchen person. but i had no choice but to learn to feed myself since i became independent 2 years ago. yes, i admit there had been a few freak "accidents" in the past but i honestly thought i'm way ahead of my rookie days and i'm now advancing in my quest to become THE next Rachel Ray (or Barefoot Contessa in the far, far future). but as they say, "maraming namamatay sa maling akala", or in this case, "maraming nasusunog sa maling pag-prito".

the first few "accidents" were cute. here's a few:

ADOBO is the first dish i've learned and is my perennial favorite because it's so easy to cook. can you imagine me messing up an all-Filipino adobo? hard to believe, right? just wait and see...

one time i put sugar in my adobo because i didn't have Sprite to counter the asim of vinegar. my adobo tasted like minatamis na saging. my roomie had to drain the sauce and made timpla all over again. even the 10 rounds of pakulo didn't do the trick - i could still taste the sugar.

but WAIT, there's more! :)

my first adobo was the most "memorable". my dear friend, Ich, gave me the recipe and i remember she was so ecstatic to teach me and was even very "detailed" in her instructions. her recipe was this, walang bawas, walang kulang:

"as for adobo...meat with garlic and a teeny amount of salt in sprite or if not available, water with sugar will do. boil until super little na lang ang sprite. add water, enough to cover the meat. boil. add 1 to 2 tbsp of vinegar, about 1 cup of soy sauce (tantsaha na lng oi). taste kung ok na sa imo panlasa. kung kulang sa parat, add salt na lng. boil until super tender. basta ang secret is maglaban ang lasa sa vinegar and sprite. add sugar nlng or vinegar whatever u think is kulang. ang katam-is ba or kaaslum. dapat magcomplement cla. tapos, wait ka na lng na little na lng ang water. sticky2x na ang sauce nya. yum2x."

so, being the masunurin girl that i am, i followed the instructions BLINDLY. actually, i was hesitant to put in a cup of soy sauce. but then i thought who am i to question the judgment of an expert, right? so i poured in a cup of soy sauce. what Ich didn’t know (or haven’t considered!) was that i'm only cooking for myself. i'm not feeding an entire baranggay. the recipe, i learned later on, was intended for a kilo of meat. and i was only cooking 3 pieces of chicken legs. THREE! so you can just imagine how a cup of soy sauce makes lunod the 3 pieces of chicken legs. and I bet you canNOT imagine the taste. i swear it's saltier than Times beach and Davao river combined. no matter how much sugar, water and Sprite i added, they could not counter the taste of the soy sauce. (sorry Ich i just had to blog this again. LOL).

so here's the infamous chicken adobo ala toyo:




PANCAKES are another story. i've made pancakes a lot of times - be it pancake-from-scratch or ready-to-cook. i couldn't find those pancake boxes in the grocery so i decided to make one from scratch like i've always done every summer when i was still young. but somehow, in a weird twist of fate, i ended up eating (and later on throwing) this:




that was 2 years ago. fast forward to present time.

if i can describe my food selections here in America in 2 words, it would be: greasy and pan-fried. sorry but i just don't have the time to cook, or make that, learn how to cook. my favorites are longganisa and ready-to-cook spring rolls (lumpia) - thank you Filipino store, you are simply the best! haha.

as i said, the first few kitchen fiascos were cute. but these are just SAD and PATHETIC.

LONGGANISA.



SPRING ROLLS.



the pictures say it all.

there are no scientific explanations on what happened here. i don't know, perhaps we'll just leave these as two of the world's unsolved mysteries. ;)


one thing i realized, i can never be a Rachel Ray and i still foresee myself as being kitchen-challenged in the next 20 years or so - that's why i NEED to marry a chef! haha.

My New York Top 5

I was reading Bianca’s blog the other day and was inspired by her Hong Kong Top 10. I thought of making my list too!

I’ve been in New York “physically” for 4 months and a half now, but as I am writing this, I feel like I “am not” really here. YET. From the moment I step foot in the land of Starbucks and pizza, I have been working for 60 hours a week. NO FAIL. I work in an audit firm, no surprise there. And I came in at around winter time. Even if I have free time on weekends, there’s really nowhere I’d rather be than in my bed, sipping hot cocoa and watching Pinoy t.v. shows online. Awww… how I miss Philippine television…. even the commercials. Haha.

Come spring time… Well, spring is supposed to start on March 22. But it looks like we have an extended winter here. It snowed on the first day of spring and last Saturday was still technically winter – 30 degrees F and wind is 25 mph! Can you imagine me in my ballet flats and cotton trench queuing up for more than an hour outside the DMV office (read as LTO in Pinas)? I can’t believe I survived such terrible ordeal. That was, by far, the worst winter experience I’ve ever had. But that story deserves another blog post. Haha.

So really and truly, I haven’t experienced “life” in this concrete-jungle-where-dreams-are-made-of place they call New York. But I do have a few favorites I’d like to share with you guys (as of today…).

1. Central Park – Who doesn’t love Central Park? For me, Central Park is like a heavenly spa in the middle of the toxicity that is New York City. Last Sunday, our firm sponsored a Run for Japan event at the park and I was so ecstatic. I think I was the first one to sign up. :) I invited the other Pinoys in the office to join as well. I’m not really a runner nor sporty for that matter, but the thought of helping Japan in my own little way plus the chance of exploring the park is just SO worth it. At first I was worried cos the course is a complete loop around the park which is like 6 miles or almost 10 kilometers (oh no! haha), but the organizer said it’s not gonna be a straight run or a race, like we could walk or run at our own pace. So I was relieved but still convinced that I’m gonna be the first one to quit. Haha.

To cut the story short, my friends and I were 30 minutes late (boo traffic), took a shortcut, had multiple stopovers for camwhoring, and ended up the first ones to finish the course. LOL. But I really enjoyed it that I’m thinking of making it a Sunday thing. I still have to convince my friends to join me, though – of course, I need someone to take my photos running/walking is no fun if you’re alone. Central Park is too gorgeous for loners! Everything is just so beautiful – the cherry blossoms, the lake, the greens!, the horse drawn carriages (Princess Sarah ang Munting Prinsesa lang ang peg), the castle and statues, the kids eating ice cream, the hot men on bicycles, still the hot men on bicycles, and oh, the hot men on bicycles. Haha. Seriously, I can imagine myself laying out a picnic blanket under a tree, reading a book while drinking milkshake or eating ice cream in the summer. Oh, I cannot wait for you real spring and summer!!

I have so many gorgeous photos of the park but I don't want this blog to look like a photo album, so here are some of my favorites:








2. Shopping Returns – The other thing I love about America, in general, is the convenience of returning items you bought. Last week, I gifted myself with retail therapy for being the hardworking girl that I’ve been for the past 4 months. And being the impulsive shopper that I am, I ended up buying unnecessary stuff. The minute I walked out of the shop, I realized that either I didn’t need this thing or I didn’t really look good in/with this thing. So the following weekend, I ended up returning everything I bought (my bank account is smiling!), including the make-up and sunnies which I already used for 4 days. No qualms, no hassle at all! Of course, I told them I already used the make-up but the saleslady just said “OK” in a very perky way. I love America!! Haha. (My friend told me that they would use those used make-ups as samplers.) Wouldn’t it be great if we have this kind of system in Pinas? Yes, you can still return items in Pinas but it will be such a hassle – the saleslady will consult the supervisor, the supervisor will consult the manager, the manager will eventually reject the return and you will go home with a frown on your face.

3. Weather Forecast – A co-worker once said, “I don’t like having www.weatherchannel.com as my fashion consultant every morning.” Haha. But this is very, very true! The first thing I do when I wake up is check the weatherchannel app on my phone. If you don’t dress and wear the appropriate shoes, then your day will totally suck. One time I wore ballet flats and skirt sans stockings and ended up soaked in the rain – because I ignored the 40% precipitation forecast. And like I mentioned earlier, I ended up literally freezing outside the DMV office for more than an hour because I ignored the 25mph wind forecast (and also because I didn’t know that we have to queue up outside the office in the friggin cold!). The weather forecast is just amazingly accurate. My note to self – Don’t take any chances, BELIEVE in the weatherchannel.

4. Subway – New York may not have the cleanest subway stations in the world but I still love it purely for accessibility. New York is the only state in America where people don’t actually need cars because public transportation systems are very accessible. All I need is a 30-day Metrocard, PATH card (for Jersey City) and a HopStop app on my phone and I’m good to go. I wish I could install a HopStop chip in my brain, though. :)


the cleanest subway station I've ever seen - PATH station at the World Trade Center (partly because it's the newest I guess after 9/11)

5. Free newspaper – The first person to greet me in the morning is the newspaper guy at the subway station – yelling “Metro! Metro!” or “A.M. New York! Free coupons at Macy’s!”. Haha. Yes, the tabloids here are free!! I asked my friend how these newspaper companies generate revenues, aside from ads, if they hand out the papers for free, and he said it’s purely from ads. He further said that they conduct some surveys which the advertisers use as their basis on which tabloid they’re going to place their ads on. Amazing isn’t it? Huge savings for morning paper readers - how much are these in Pinas nowadays?


I hope my list will become longer and longer as I discover more of NYC (and Jersey City) this year. I am excited for the warmer months and the fall foliage!! :)

what if...

Two days ago, i came across this t.v. show called "Who Do You Think You Are?" and I was instantly obsessed with it. The show is like a trip back in time featuring celebrities and their ancestral roots. The facts they discovered were really fascinating and interesting. Like who would have thought that Sarah Jessica Parker is a direct descendant of an accused witch during the Salem Witch Trials in the 1600's (well that explains the witchy nose) and Gwyneth Paltrow's great grandmother was a housemaid from Barbados (but of course she was Caucasian)?

Makes me wonder what happened to my grandpa on my dad's side. I never saw him. He left long before I was born. He left his family when my dad was just a little boy. He was pure Chinese who fled the country during World War II for reasons I don't know. He took my dad's elder brother with him to Macau and the family never heard from him since then. My grandma remarried and my dad had a gazillion stepbrothers and stepsisters. And based on stories I've heard, he hated his stepfather. He didn't even go to his funeral. My dad grew up with his relatives, jumping from one house to another - earning money for himself - which is far from what he was used to when his real father was still with them. His father was a wealthy man and they were living a comfortable life until he left. I don't even know his name. All I know is that his surname was Teng. My grandma changed the family name to Pantillo, her maiden name, so my dad and his siblings could get a scholarship from a local Catholic school (people in those days assumed that you're rich if you had a Chinese surname).

My dad would never talk about his real father - and we never asked. It was already difficult to talk to my dad about this kind of stuff before he had a stroke which affected his speech - what more now. And we kind of sensed that he didn't want to talk about this at all. Like my mom knew about this from my dad's relatives after they even got married. My dad is a man of few words... and of few emotions. It's hard to get through him. My mom would tell us hundreds of stories about her childhood over and over again but I never heard a single story from my dad.

I've always wondered what it's like to have a real dad. A dad who hugs, who tells you a story, and who tucks you in bed and plants a kiss on your forehead before you go to sleep. My brother and I were not raised in a mushy, Brady-bunch household. My dad had a peculiar way of showing his love. He would buy us stuff enough to spoil us and to make us think that we were lucky compared to the other kids in the neighborhood. He would keep pictures of us in his office. I went to his office one day and found some of my missing toys inside his drawer. I got mad at him for stealing my toys. But perhaps I just didn't understand why he did that. I wonder if he hugged them when he missed me. He would play a game with me when I was young, though - t.v. commercials guessing game. Haha, that was fun, but he would always cheat and I would just end up being mad at him. He would plan family outings at the beach or at the farm - but he would never play with us in the sand or teach us how to swim or climb trees (I haven't climbed a tree in my life, no kidding). While the rest of the family and friends were having fun at the beach, he would stay in the cottage with his crew drinking or gambling. I honestly think his fighting cocks got more hugs and caresses from him than me and my brother combined. Haha, no kidding.

I grew up not loving my dad as much as I loved my mom. My mom was all I ever needed. I never wanted to go with him to anywhere at all. My mom had to bribe and literally drag me to the jeep whenever my dad wanted me to go with him to his office. I saw in him a father but not someone I could run to when I'm sad and lonely. However, he was the first person I ran to when naughty boys bothered me because they surely ran for their lives, if not peed their pants, as soon as they heard my dad's Hitler-ish voice. Oh wait, I think that was still my mom! :) But my dad was really protective as well.

My brother told me that my dad was like that because he never knew what it was like to have a father. He had no role model. He was not raised in a perfect home. He couldn't give what he didn't have. Which makes perfect sense.

I pity my dad. But more so, I pity myself for not giving him a chance. If there's one regret I have in my life, it's not spending more time with him when he was still my strong and Hitler-ish dad... when he could still "understand" what I'm saying and vice versa. :(

I just wonder what if...

What if my grandpa was present in his life... and in ours, would things have been different?




P.S.
I didn't expect this post to be this dramatic. Seriously. I just wanted to share with you what happened to my lolo. But the minute I talked about my dad, it just went on and on. *tears*